trouble picking a resolution

So i’m really struggling with my new year’s resolution.  I veered off track with my resolution last year but I have to say i think I was successful.  I am much happier than I was this time last year.  My mental health is better.  The OCD got in the way of the resolution but in way this was for the best as I’m freer than ever with the OCD and am able to do things I never could have done a year ago.

I want to continue on being happier.  I also want to continue decluttering.  I’ve thought about promising to get rid of 1 item per day as a fellow blogger has done.  I’ve also thought about committing to one healthy smoothie a day or trying to be healthier and lose some weight.  I’ve also considered retrying the Better than Chocolate assignments.  I just don’t really know.  I could also try focusing on overcoming more with the OCD or how to be a successful adult with ADHD.

I would love to write more helpful posts on ADHD and OCD and write about what has helped me.  Maybe I could give myself assignments tackling my barriers and write about this.

My biggest barrier right now is getting mentally healthy to lose the weight.  I’m a real large girl who wants to be healthier but the OCD is blocking me right now.  So much trauma and drama about weight in my life.

I would love to save money so reduce and reuse are huge for me.  I need to stop buying things so maybe to keep things fresh i could focus on a new area each week.

  • spending fasts
  • sugar fasts
  • declutter sessions
  • OCD assignment
  • ADHD assignment
  • happiness assignment

Dabble in each so I don’t give up or get bored.  don’t do it all at the same time but shake things up when I start to get discouraged in one area?  Maybe I could go a week without spending any money (with the exception of gas).  The next week go without sugar, next week declutter 30 items, next week address an OCD fear or compulsion, next week work on addressing my ADHD.

I don’t know – I need help.

Happier, healthier, more money saved, better mental health.  most I’m already working on.

have some fun and create some art!  that would be a great resolution!  design something each week?  could be interesting.

write a book?  don’t know what I’d write.  ideally it would be on parenting or mental health.  – or could be fiction.  drama and trauma?

write a book with my daughter?  short mysteries with a spunky little detective?  she would enjoy this.  illustrated by her.  written by us.

my husband and I would like to have another baby – i’ve told him that if we can free up enough space in our home, if i can get my ocd and adhd under enough control that i can go off my meds and if I could lose 100 pounds that we could have another child.  sounds like craziness there.  We are getting there with freeing up space.  I could manage the ocd for quite awhile without meds, the adhd is harder.  the weight loss is hard though.  at 315 – pregnancy would be tough.  I was overweight when I was pregnant with my daughter and that was tough.  now i’m bigger.  it hurt to walk last time – it would be worse this time.



Green Smoothie and Hungry for Change

So i tried my first green smoothie today!  it looks kind of gross but tastes surprisingly refreshing and yummy.


here is what I added:

  • spinach and romaine
  • carrots
  • cucumber
  • 5 frozen strawberries
  • vanilla yogurt
  • flaxseed meal
  • little bit of water

I blended it all together with my new hand blender and drank it up.

I’m sold.

Here is a website I’m sure to come back to:  30 Delicious Green Smoothie Recipes


Hungry for Change

I was looking for a documentary to watch so I surfed through Netflix and found Hungry for Change.  This movie is a world changing way I look at food type of movie.  I loved it and want to watch it again.

Sugar is my drug and apparently many people’s drug.  Now there is a handful of food additives that I am more likely to avoid – aspartame, high fructose corn syrup, MSG and sugar.  the crazy thing is that many of these foods are addictive, high calorie and nutritionally void.  so in other words we eat and eat and eat and our bodies continue to be hungry while we get fatter.

a helpful bit of advice in this film is to think about getting healthier by changing the mindset: “I want that but I can’t have it” to “I can have it but I don’t want it”  Another piece of wisdom this film offers is to not think about taking things away or depriving yourself but instead add the healthy options in so eventually the healthy items take up more than the unhealthy ones and then eventually you’ll have no room for the unhealthy ones.

I’m going to try this part from the movie – while looking into my eyes through the use of a mirror I will say, “I accept myself unconditionally right now”  I will say this every day until I believe it and live it.

Here are the rest of the notes I jotted down from the film:

Helpful detoxifying foods:

Parsley, Cilantro, Aloe vera, Chia seeds

Veggies good in vegetable juices

Celery, Cucumber, Dark green leafy vegetables such as kale, spirulina, radishes, coconut products

People in Hungry for change:

Mike Adams – natural news, Jason Vale – Juice Master, Joe Cross – fat, sick and nearly dead, Kris Carr – crazy sexy cancer and crazy sexy diet, David Wolfe, Daniel Vitalis, Dr. Christiane Northrup – women’s bodies, women’s wisdom, Jon Gabriel – the Gabriel method, Frank Ferrante – may I be frank, Dr. Alejandro Junger – Clean, Dr. Joseph Mercola, Evita rampart

I definately plan on looking them all up to learn more.

Books to read:

Diets don’t work, Clean, 7 lbs in 7 days, The funky fresh juice book, Turbo Charge your life in 14 days, Keeping it Simple! Over 100 juice and smoothie recipes, What the World Eats, The Gabriel Method

Allergies and Deficiencies

To say that I’m frustrated is the understatement of the year.  I really struggle with my vitamin D levels.  When my vitamin D is low (when I don’t take supplements) my fibromyalgia is terrible.  I suffer from all over muscular/ skeletal pain and all over feelings of malaise.  Months ago I learned that vitamin D3 is made out of lanolin.  I’m allergic to lanolin – hives, welts, etc.  Since I’ve started taking the supplements the majority of the pain is gone however I have other ongoing problems that I can only imagine is from ingesting something that is poisonous to me – headaches, nausea, sore throat, itchy skin.

Fish oil and exposure to the sun is equally problematic to me because both make me very sick as well.  Today I found a vegan Vitamin D3 online at so I ordered them.

Nature’S Plus Source Of Life Garden Vitamin D3 – 60 – Veg/Cap

It’s made out of mushrooms which are disgusting but i don’t believe are something that I am allergic to so here’s hoping!

Health Tips For You

So I found the water information graphic online and it’s a helpful reminder about why we need to drink water.  today I noticed that my ankles were a bit swollen – in the past when I start retaining water in my feet and ankles it’s a real good sign I’m not drinking enough water.

I read that water wakes you up better than a cup of coffee.  It also helps to relief headaches and makes your skin look younger.  Many of us look for the “magic” pill that will make us healthier and better but I know for a fact that I don’t drink enough water which in reality is a magic drink.

The next graphic I found is about stress.  I am always stressed out.  It’s the OCD driving me and the stress compells me.

This is a helpful reminder why I need to manage my OCD and my anxiety.  I notice the impaired cognitive performance as I forget words and things (not adhd related).  I also have high blood pressure, become sick extremely easy and have a fat tummy.  My blood sugar goes wonky and crashes low.  So there really is a lot of truth to the above.

Below is an amazing water bottle.  I bought two of these through the fly lady store, one for me and one for my daughter.  I was a skeptic.  As soon as it came in the mail I put a couple ice cubes and some water in it and let it sit for hours.  I took it into the car and let it sit.  I then took it inside and placed it on my dresser and went to bed.  Ice in the morning.  no sweating on the outside.  always cold on the inside.  it is simply the best water bottle out there.

Poison Ivy Relief

So I woke up Friday morning with a “lovely” little patch of poison ivy rash on my face.  I don’t know how I got it but it’s there.  Normally this would cause my OCD to go into overdrive but I’m working on taking it in stride.

So there is a small cluster of the red hot itchy blisters on my thumb, two sections on my face (probably from the spot on my thumb) and it’s been slowly spreading out to other places (my side, arm, leg, etc).  Poison ivy is probably the number 1 reason I hate being outside.

Yesterday morning I woke up and felt terrible.  this wasn’t good because I had a celebration I was attending and photographing.  I remembered that I had just purchased some Dickenson Witch Hazel from Walmart the other day to use once my current toner runs out.  I remembered reading on the bottle that it temporarily relieves minor skin irritations due to: Minor cuts — Minor scrapes — Insect bites.  Now I don’t know about minor but poison ivy is definately a skin irritation.

I gotta say it helped take away much of the burning pain.  So today I looked online to see what else Witch hazel can help with and found this article:

15 Wonderful Uses for Witch Hazel.  Gotta say I’m impressed.

Life as Me

Just finished writing a long blog about my OCD but not ready to share it so it’s saved and most likely to be forgotten.  Here is something I just found written months ago.


I want to live.  As I’m writing this I’m focusing on breathing deep, finding the right rhythm on my mp3 player to compulse to and trying not to have a full blown panic attack.  My dog is quietly sleeping as is my daughter and husband.  All three are unaware of my strong urges to emotionally beat myself up and the twitching of my fingers that so desperately want to scratch my skin until welts are present.

It’s getting late and I’m already feeling like a zombie.  My body is physically tired and my mind is numbing but this uncontrollable urge to keep at it propels me forward.  I know if I don’t get to sleep then I’ll have another day of unbalanced emotions, compulsions and obsessions.  This is my life with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” – Anthony Robbins

The first time I was introduced to this quote was when I worked at a homeless shelter.  I was creating a quote board for the residents and I added my favorite quotes that were meant to empower or inspire.  I asked the parents what words of wisdom helped them get through difficult situations and this quote was handed to me by a very insightful resident.  Years later the words still are as clear as the day he shared this with me.  This quote goes hand in hand with Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity.

 “Insanity:  doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Some days I would really feel insane.  That was me in a nut shell.  I would tell myself, “If you only work harder than you wouldn’t be in this mess.”  I would buy planner after planner and make massive to-do lists only to have the same results each and every time.  I would then give myself a stern talking to and emotionally beat myself up over failing.  I would then take this process and repeat over the course of several years.

I went for some help for my chaotic and forgetful nature.  Focus, organization and structure eluded me and I am the queen of procrastination.  I got some help and learned something very interesting about myself.  I am an adult with attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).  A combination of medication, therapy, external structure and routines brought my life clarity and peace.

That is until the OCD reared up its ugly head and sent me spinning out of control.  You see it’s always been there but due to my forgetful nature the OCD usually played second fiddle to the drama of my unorganized life.   I had to ask myself if the therapy and medication were helping because I felt more dysfunctional than ever before.

Then I realized that I’m finally peeling back the layers.  I had to take care of and treat the top layers before I could treat the damage below.  Most pressing was the ADHD because it directly interfered with my ability to carry out my work.  Next was the anxiety and OCD.  I could only imagine that the trauma from my childhood would be next.  The hope would be that once all the layers would be peeled away that a functional, energetic, wonderful adult would remain to live a rewarding and full life.


“If you don’t change the way you do things, live your life, or make decisions, you will never grow or mature or feel better about life as a whole. You have to be the change you want to see in your life.”


ADHD and Bipolar Disorder

I just read a Life Story on ADDitude about parents raising a daughter who was diagnosed with both ADHD and Bipolar Disorder.  They spoke about their struggles with medication for their daughter’s mental illness.  I’m an adult with ADHD and OCD and I feel their struggles.  These struggles however make me mad because if I had diabetes there’d be no question about whether or not I’d take medication.  If I had a “medical” problem that medication would improve the quality of my life then of course I’d take medication.  Why is it such a struggle for us to take medication for our mental illnesses that will improve the quality of our lifes? 

I believe it has to do with the stigma attached with having a mental illness.  I believe it has to do with people believing that if you want it bad enough and have strong enough will power that you can just make the problems go away.  I always think it’s funny when it’s said that it’s all in your head because in reality it is all in my head – it’s in the way my brain functions.  There is something wrong with my brain that does not allow will power to make it right or more determination.  Brains are complicated and difficult to understand.  It’s no wonder that things go wrong sometimes. 

I also get upset when I hear people say, “they are on meds, why aren’t they better?”  I look at medication as one tool in a tool box.  You can’t build a home using just a screwdriver and you can’t just take a pill and make a mental illness go away.  I think medication though is more like duct tape.  It helps a lot and can fix alot but you still need other things to make yourself happy and feel “right.”