Catching Up

My Mental Health

It’s been awhile.  It’s been an interesting couple of weeks.  I’ve stopped taking the Strattera for my ADHD (been taking it for almost 2 years).  Been less and less effective for the past few months and I wanted to try something else to see if it would help me focus better.  the Strattera worked like a charm for my impulsivity and obnoxiousness but not so much for the focus and concentration.  Started on Adderrall.  Man, the onslaught of ADHD drama sent me for a loop.  I wanted to say tailspin but it’s not been all bad.  the Adderrall has some benefits but definitely doesn’t work like the Strattera.  some days i can barely live with myself.  it’s like i’m all over the place.  doing stupid things, forgetting things and my house is an absolute nightmare.  slowly but surely i’m stabilizing again but I really do miss the Strattera some days.

I smile more though.  Laugh more too.  it was like the Strattera zapped my humor away and my ability to appreciate the sillier things in life.  I may be a scatterbrained, impulsive fool but at least I’m able to enjoy things again.  The Adderrall is short acting which means I often forget to take it.  I lie to the doctor and tell him I’m taking it every day.  ADHD is so frustrating because part of being ADHD is forgetting things.  I don’t intentionally not take my medicine but the doctor often acts like I do.  Honestly I have better days when I remember it but that is part of the disorder – forgetfulness.  I was so afraid of taking the adderrall because i didn’t want to be addicted to drugs but husband and I realize that this isn’t the case as I don’t think about the medication and I don’t desire it or crave it.  It hurts my stomach, takes away my desire for food and forces me to focus without the joy of spontaneity.  hmm wait the last one is the desired result – oh well.

but i am happier.

The OCD has settled down for now.  I’m doing things and enjoying things that the FEARS would otherwise prevent me from doing.  I fingerpainted several times this month and wound up with it on my clothes and my skin and didn’t fall into a panic attack.  The panic attacks have mostly subsided come to think of it.  Almost all gone.  I credit a lot of this to my work with my therapist and the Effexor.  There is a bunch of bad stuff on the internet about Effexor but it has drastically improved the quality of my life.  The constant, ever present anxiety is barely present anymore.  I can only really recall three panic attacks since my last post which is quite impressive for me.  We bought a car and the first day driving the car to work was nerve wracking.  it felt so different – so alien – and I couldn’t get my wits about me.  I kept trying to convince myself to go back home – where it is safe – instead of going to work.  I worked and by the end of the day I was fine – and now I love my car.  I also recently had a sleep study which accounts for the remaining two panic attacks for the month.  first one occured in the ER lobby which is where you sign in for the sleep study.  I’ve avoided ERs like crazy – too much contamination, germs, blood, people in pain, do they even clean/ disinfect those seats?   I rocked back and forth the entire time i waited refusing to touch anything.  Second panic attack was when they were placing all the sensors on me and they were all over my face.  I made it through all three without the assistance of my Xanax.  I think I’m ready to let that prescription go.  I’m pretty confident in my ability to get through a panic attack.  Husband says to give it more time though and not be hasty to throw away those pills.

I’m scheduled for another sleep study at the end of the month since they determined i have sleep apnea.  stopped breathing 32 times during the first study.

My Home

So my home is an absolute disaster.  I thought I was done with yard sales but my co-worker finally took me up on my offer to let me sell some things for her.  about 6 car loads later my house and shed are stuffed and this is after the unexpected yard sale.  I’m a bit distraught and don’t know where to begin.  My family room was almost ready to be declared done.  My living room, shed and bedroom were done.  My daughter’s room was looking pretty sweet.  but now it’s all scary and all full of stuff.  I need to sort, clean, photograph and transport the items elsewhere and reclaim my home.  There is a yard sale at my work coming up in October.  We are setting up our training space and allowing the community to shop and we donate a portion of our sales to our work for the holiday Christmas shop for our kiddos in care.  it’ll be okay but it’s very overwhelming especially since my daughter’s birthday party is this Saturday.