Uphill swing I hope

my mental health has its ups and downs.  on the upswing of a particularly bad spell which left my home an absolute disaster.  so I set the timer and shined my sink, adjacent counters and started dinner.  *sigh*  shiny, shiny sink:)

I have my timer ticking away.  15 minutes on with cleaning and dinner prep, 15 minutes relaxing.  I’m feeling really sick but I wonder how much is mental and how much is physical.  (both are flaring up right now)

As I sit in my living room I am distracted by the floors.  I would show you a picture of the floors but it’s much too embarassing.  very dirty.  but on a positive note, it’s full of paper scraps as my daughter has been designing paper costumes and outfits.  She has some budding talent.  She made a ninja outfit for herself, and tons of costumes for her stuffed animals.  The dog has also been busy making a mess of the floor with his chew toys, bones and fur.  Her active play today has all sitting areas full save for the seat my butt is in now.  I imagine with her help we could pull this room together in 15 minutes.

I’m touchy and irratable but not growling so life is good.  My therapist thought it would be beneficial to up the dose on the medicine for my anxiety but it leaves me feeling rather nauseous and unpleasantly empty.  I have my husband keeping an eye on me (for safety reasons) but I’m waiting it out to see if it’s just a short term, unpleasant side effect.  It’s been just over a week and I’ve done almost nothing around the house.  I’ve barely left my spot on the couch save for the short spells outside.  Monday was the absolute worse.  Tuesday was rather nice and then back to emptiness Wednesday, Thursday and today.

We went grocery shopping today and the groceries are still out – on the counters, over the bench and on the table.  At least the refrigerator and freezer items are put away.   My husband was supposed to have friends over on Tuesday so he did the dishes while I was at work.  They haven’t been done since and they are piling up.  I finally got up and grabbed a small tote, loaded up all the dishes and set them aside so I could scrub.  I figured it was better to start with a clean slate.

As I went to get started I reach down to grab a clean sponge and we are OUT!  I couldn’t believe it.  I never, ever run out of sponges.  In my whole married life I’ve never run out of sponges.  I throw them away religiously to get rid of the germs and the smell.  One per week.  I always have at least 6 underneath the sink, usually more.  There are none.  I panicked.  I started to sweat.  Feelings of doom and of giving up overwhelmed me, then I realized it was just a sponge.  I grabbed a clean microfiber scrubby cloth and started scrubbing my sink and counters.

The chrome faucet is shining, one load of dishes are washed, my coffee pot is clean and vinegar has been run through it to clean it out.  Chicken is on the stove cooking and I’m about to get up and make some rice.

This OCD/ Anxiety is not going to beat me.  I will succeed – I promise this much.  I will also remember that happiness is all around – it’s just a different way of looking at what you already have right before you.

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