Just finished writing a long blog about my OCD but not ready to share it so it’s saved and most likely to be forgotten. Here is something I just found written months ago.
LIFE AS ME
I want to live. As I’m writing this I’m focusing on breathing deep, finding the right rhythm on my mp3 player to compulse to and trying not to have a full blown panic attack. My dog is quietly sleeping as is my daughter and husband. All three are unaware of my strong urges to emotionally beat myself up and the twitching of my fingers that so desperately want to scratch my skin until welts are present.
It’s getting late and I’m already feeling like a zombie. My body is physically tired and my mind is numbing but this uncontrollable urge to keep at it propels me forward. I know if I don’t get to sleep then I’ll have another day of unbalanced emotions, compulsions and obsessions. This is my life with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).
“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” – Anthony Robbins
The first time I was introduced to this quote was when I worked at a homeless shelter. I was creating a quote board for the residents and I added my favorite quotes that were meant to empower or inspire. I asked the parents what words of wisdom helped them get through difficult situations and this quote was handed to me by a very insightful resident. Years later the words still are as clear as the day he shared this with me. This quote goes hand in hand with Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity.
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
Some days I would really feel insane. That was me in a nut shell. I would tell myself, “If you only work harder than you wouldn’t be in this mess.” I would buy planner after planner and make massive to-do lists only to have the same results each and every time. I would then give myself a stern talking to and emotionally beat myself up over failing. I would then take this process and repeat over the course of several years.
I went for some help for my chaotic and forgetful nature. Focus, organization and structure eluded me and I am the queen of procrastination. I got some help and learned something very interesting about myself. I am an adult with attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). A combination of medication, therapy, external structure and routines brought my life clarity and peace.
That is until the OCD reared up its ugly head and sent me spinning out of control. You see it’s always been there but due to my forgetful nature the OCD usually played second fiddle to the drama of my unorganized life. I had to ask myself if the therapy and medication were helping because I felt more dysfunctional than ever before.
Then I realized that I’m finally peeling back the layers. I had to take care of and treat the top layers before I could treat the damage below. Most pressing was the ADHD because it directly interfered with my ability to carry out my work. Next was the anxiety and OCD. I could only imagine that the trauma from my childhood would be next. The hope would be that once all the layers would be peeled away that a functional, energetic, wonderful adult would remain to live a rewarding and full life.
“If you don’t change the way you do things, live your life, or make decisions, you will never grow or mature or feel better about life as a whole. You have to be the change you want to see in your life.”